Peaceful Parents Joyful Juniors

Seeking peaceful resolution to problems

2 November 2011

For the workshop, communication is the first to be emphasised.

By GRACE CHEN

At the recent preview of a workshop with the enticing title, Peaceful Parents, Joyful Juniors, my boys, aged eight and four, got into a fight. It did not take long before the younger fella’s bawls turned the cosy room into a giant pressure cooker. At that moment I had the urge to give both a tight slap.

But wait, wasn’t I in a room with two experts? Now’s the time to find out if this programme is effective or quixotic, I thought.

“Take a deep breath,” advises Jin Yap and Carly Nair, the workshop facilitators.

I do. As I exhale the four-year-old extends his hand and asks Mummy to kiss the pain away. His brother unmasks the real perpetrator by showing me the fresh scratch marks on his arm. By the time both have had their say, the anger has evaporated. No slap equals no tears, and no more outbursts equals a happier mum.

Call it a little sample of what to expect at Nair and Yap’s workshop.

Nair, 29, who hails from Scotland, is a hypnotherapist. A mother to three-year-old twins, Nair was inspired by her school guidance counsellor back in Aberdeenshire to pursue a career in wellness.

Twenty-six-year-old Yap has eight years’ experience as a counsellor. At 18, he went to Dehyana Lee, a life coach specialising in addiction and breath work, to undergo a 12-step recovery programme. In addition to breath work, Yap also practises art therapy.

Both Yap and Nair advocate NLP (neurolinguistic programming) and EFT (emotional freedom techniques). In a nutshell, NLP teaches people how to build rapport and trust by active listening; EFT is a way of soothing energy disruption by tapping on the energy meridians to remove negative thinking and beliefs.

These, in addition to art and colour therapy, are the tools used in Nair and Yap’s workshop.

Yap and Nair use EFT and NLP to help children and parents understand the emotional aspects of a relationship better.

But back to my boxing champs, do I let it go? What if I do, will it mean that I am condoning physical violence?

“We don’t have all the answers. No doubt parenting is a challenging and exhausting task and that’s why we think that parents are heroes,” laughs Yap.

Truthfully, they state that their workshop on peaceful parenting does not come with guarantees. Instead, the aim of the day-long session, which involves parent-and-child (between ages seven and 12) participation, is focused on communication methods and exploring parent and child emotions.

There will be activities designed to understand the power of verbal and non-verbal communication, and parent and child will be taught how to use visualisation, a technique to create images in the mind for better confidence and performance. At the end of it, it is up to the parents to practise these methods with their children.

“The catchword here is active listening. The same way you listen to a business prospect is the way you should listen to a child. Don’t just focus on the words but read the body language too. It’s also about putting emotions into your daily communication with the children,” explains Nair.

But having started the programme two-and-a-half years ago under the banner of Rainbow Children, surely they would have something to share, I push on. What can a parent do on days when tantrums and patience are in opposition?

Nair suggests self-reflection.

“Ask why this is grating on you. Is it the noise that bothers you? Why? Are you irritated because you are tired? Or are you unhappy with your husband for not taking out the trash? Many times, parents take out their frustrations on their children,” says Nair.

Going deeper, she adds that parents are the ones with issues, not the child. Say, when a child makes noise, why is there a need to shush him up? Is he doing anything wrong? Or when you are in a family restaurant and your child does that, and a diner gives the kid the evil eye. In telling the child to keep quiet, you are actually trying to please the other person who has made you uncomfortable, she points out.

If it’s a lesson in consideration that you’re trying to drive home, explain why. Make it clear that the digestion process works best in a calm and soothing atmosphere. Explain that whooping noises do not contribute to sereneness.

Still, keeping junior happy does not mean an end to rules and conduct but instead of resorting to authoritarian methods, one can impart lessons in a fun way.

“Say, if you are in a library, you can engage a child in a little contest of who can talk more softly, for example, instead of going ‘sshhhsshhhsshhh’ all the time,” says Nair.

And Yap is all for sparing the rod. “Resorting to caning or adopting the ‘My Way Or The Highway’ stand is very damaging. A lot of social ills and problems come from there,” he notes.

He also reminds parents to lead by example.

“If parents want to have children who are sharp in following their own dreams, but they are not doing the same with theirs, then how can they expect their child to do so?” he asks, adding that his experience as a counsellor shows that children mirror their parents’ actions.

In an earlier workshop, Yap separated the children and parents in two different groups where they were asked to act out a tantrum.

It turned out that the children’s actions were identical to their parents’!

This means that it will be pointless to tell a child not to fight when the parents are constantly arguing or to expect them not to swear when every single sentence a parent utters is filled with expletives.

Yap also points out that when parents complain that their children have to be told a hundred times to brush their teeth, maybe it’s because the very basic practice of listening to each other is not carried out among the adults in the family.

For Yap and Nair, having happy children is largely dependent on the atmosphere at the home front. As such, the first step towards peaceful parenting is to take on a positive stand. This means ensuring that only practices which are in line with what is good and right are observed among the adults. That will pave the way for junior to have a joyful and meaningful childhood.

The Peaceful Parents, Joyful Juniors Workshop takes place next month at B2-05-03 Bukit Utama Condo 1, Bandar Utama, Petaling Jaya, Selangor. For details and to register call (010) 277-2950 / (03) 7713-2091 or e-mail info@ultimateperformancesolutions.com.